Today. Today is one of those days.
For a large part of the last couple of years, I have decided not to write when I didn’t feel like it. In some of these cases, not writing wasn’t a problem. Others, like when a paper was due, probably should have been times when I fought through my feelings and just wrote something. Another detractor in these situations was whether I was assigned to write something. School assignments were often less than appealing because I was writing about something I didn’t really care about or because I have some deep-seated desire to only do my own thing and not be told what to do (this is a joke future employers (mostly)).
Today is more along the lines of what would be considered a “funk.” Other things are weighing on me and leading me to not really want to do anything, not just write. Both the “funk” and the school/assignment stuff are difficult to write through, but the biggest difference is that you don’t really have a choice about whether you will do an assignment. Writing your own thing while in a funk can lead to not doing anything, ever.
Deciding whether or not to talk about why I don’t want to write today leads to another topic that I have seen fairly widely discussed recently, that of how much to share online and what responsibility a creator has to reveal a large amount about their personal lives. At this point I’ve already shared that something is going on, and people could go through everything I’ve posted or written to try figuring out what’s going on, but how specific do I need to be or should I be?
I think there is always room for sharing a fair amount, but there is also room for discretion. Suffice to say, at this point, there is the place I currently am, the place I would like to be, and an unknown gap between those two thing. My stress comes from how to cross that gap.
(Side note: I didn’t say at the start, but I decided to do very little editing to these posts just to keep a stream of ideas flowing. I kind of connected the first two thoughts, and even this maybe doesn’t need to be here, but I kind of just want to see what happens as I go. A very journal-esque style, if you will.)
Often, when I hit a point of not wanting to do anything, I turn to mindless YouTube-viewing. Not things like watching all of Casey Neistat’s videos – that at least had some purpose to it. My mindlessness on YouTube looks more like Whose Line is it Anyway clips from almost 20 years ago. I can’t justify binging on Netflix, but somehow watching the same amount of time in 4-minute clips is more acceptable than 30- or 60- minute chunks. Perhaps the “I can stop at any time” or “maybe just one more thoughts” seem more believable when the end is only 4 minutes away.
This is not to disparage YouTube – I love YouTube and create content on it. This is much more a reflection on myself and why I do the things I do – not that I have any answers. How much of my content has been that – an answer-seeking search for something? Anyone wondering how many sentences I can put into this paragraph with a dash? – I know I am.
All of this is to say that I’m wondering what comes next in life. Many times I wish I just had answers instead of having to go through the process of learning stuff. I don’t know whether that would be easier or more fun, but it often seems like it would be less painful and less time-consuming.
Fun isn’t even necessarily my main goal when I think about what I want to do (a topic I’ll likely discuss at length in the future). Much bigger for me and my personality is wanting to feel fulfilled, like I’m doing something worthwhile. I have been baffled for as long as I can remember at people who hate their jobs, but stay there for years. I realize that money is an unfortunate need, but staying somewhere just to have a job feels like something I don’t want to do. Wanting is not always the option we get to chase, but loathing seems like a mis-adjustment in the wrong direction (try parsing that English). This is likely why I’ve had difficulty trying to figure out “what I want to do with my life.” I don’t have one thing I want to do; I have one way that I want to live.
Moving forward without having answers is one of my biggest frustrations at the moment. I like knowledge rather than hindsight to know why something is happening. Career limbo is less fun. It’s an exhausting place to be.
Moving forward, I’m sure it would be nice to both write and read about something other than me not knowing what’s going on, but I spend an unfortunate amount of brainpower trying to figure out what life even is (that is, all the brainpower I spend on not learning that brainpower is apparently one word. We learn things every day, don’t we). Sometimes I just need to write what’s happening and what I’m feeling, especially when I don’t feel like writing.
If anyone figures out how to life, please let me know. I’ll let everyone know how to life if I figure it out at some point (cliches like “you can do it” or “pain makes gain” or whatever DO NOT COUNT. Consider yourself warned). In the meantime, as I have found myself saying for a while now, “just one more week.” Until then, I guess I’ll just stay on the grind (oh no, the cliches are getting to me! I need to figure this out sooner rather than later! I don’t have the brainpower or brain power to fight through cliches too! I don’t even know if I completely know what a cliche is!).